Usually (more often than not) am not a sentimental person. I have said “I love you” a hand full of times and most of them were to my pets or breakfast burritos.
I love you’s are often met with no response from me. A nod. A weird grumble. An awkward smile. A mumbled, “you too.” A finger gun. But rarely a returned “love you too.” At this point, everyone is used to it. They know that I love them and I just don’t have healthy ways to convey that emotion. I like to keep it all bottled up inside.
Blame in on the damage of acquired over the years, or just who I am at my fibers, it is what it is and at this point. I really can’t pinpoint my inability to say the words to one event, but I’ve moved on from trying to change it and so has everyone else.
For me, for reasons unexplainable, saying I love you even to my favorite people is a chore. It feels like when you try to say a word that you are not allowed to say. My brain thinks it, my tongue prepares to form the words and somewhere between my mouth and the outside world, I am gagged. Those words don’t roll off my tongue-I have to push them.
Have you ever seen Liar Liar?
If not, I need you to stop reading this and get a life ASAP.
If so, I am Jim Carey trying to say that the pen is RRRRRR-oyal Blueeee when it comes to saying “I love you.” And I really don’t get it. I love the shit out of my family and my man, so it is an absolute freaking mystery.
It is like I wait for this “love dam” to fill up and every now and then I explode. Occasionally I get hit with a wave of heart eyes and have to tell everyone and everything that I love what they mean to me. It’s like I am snapped into reality and am gifted a one-day free pass to say the words I LOVE YOU freely! Today is one of those days. Particularly about Nick (cause as I previously mentioned, I’m slightly obsessed).
Our relationship was a gamble, let’s just all be honest in here. A 26-year-old fresh out of a nightmare-ship (made that word up but its perfect) courts a 23-year-old still in college through Instagram cause he’s “hott”? Two t’s. We met at Chicago Sams on a night I am sure I made an ass of myself. Sounds like the ideal Drake-music styled, cuffing season-esque scenario. But we didn’t turn into Marvins Room. And it is a god damn miracle we didn’t.
Despite my odd “I love you” inability, Nick stuck around and never wavered even though he is a huge freaking bundle of (sometimes intimidating) heart eyes. Like, he’s a huge love guy. He is the type of person who I call to ask him to grab bread on the way home, and he ends the phone call with “love you.”
Uhh…k….12 grain, please.
Love you too.